I've just about finished reading a book called Messy Spirituality by Mike Yaconelli. In just reading the first chapter I was nearly in tears as I felt like Mike was writing about me! Every chapter since has been so real to me.
It's somewhat funny being in ministry with people expecting you to have all your ducks in a row (or maybe I'm the only one who's expecting that of myself). And it seems that everyday I realize how out of whack my ducks really are. And then just when I start to think that maybe I've got it all together something else happens and I yet again realize that I'm not perfect.
The greatest part about it all is that I'm really the only one expecting myself to be perfect. No one else really notices or cares b/c they're all busy trying to get their ducks in a row as well. And if they are noticing, maybe they need to take notice of some of Jesus' words to the religious people in the New Testament. (Maybe that's a bit harsh, but it's truly how I feel.)
I'm coming to a place where I'm ok being messy. I'm ok with the fact that my ducks aren't completely organized b/c I'm coming to realize that Jesus really truly does love me anyways and believe it or not is going to continue to use me.
That's not to say that I'm not going to attempt to get my ducks in a row. B/c I'm so in love with Jesus I can't help but give Him my all and give it to Him with excellence.
I'm in the process of cleaning up, and chances are I always will be. The greatest part about it all is that I have a promise that God will never leave me or forsake me not matter how messy I get.